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A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh. Then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not
an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Saudi!" The next day the newspapers read: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.”

 

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

 

Nasruddin's Drive

Mullah Nasruddin and his wife are in their car driving.

Suddenly his wife screams, "STOP THE CAR!!!"

"What is it?" Mullah Nasruddin asks.
"Turn around and go back home!! I forgot to turn off the oven!! The house will burn down!!!"
Mullah Nasruddin kept on driving.
"Why aren't you turning around?"
"The house won't burn down..." Mullah Nasruddin replied. "...I forgot to turn off the shower."

 

Quiet During Jummah

The Imam of a masjid, who was also a father of two young children, was about to enter the majid to give the khutbah (Friday sermon). Before he entered he reminded them to be quiet - especially when he is giving his khutbah.

He then asked his children, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Jummah?"

Little Ahmed jumped up and yelled, "Because people are all sleeping!"

 

Skipping Jummah

An Imam was feeling bored one Friday and decided to take the day off away from the Masjid. He told the assistant Imam he wasn't feeling well and drove off. He stopped at a golf course about forty miles away (so that no one would know him.)

Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to another, "He can just get away with that! This is wrong - Jummah is mandatory for him and he is an example for so many believers!" The other angel agreed but decided to wait to see how Allah would take care of him.

The Imam teed off on the first hole and suddenly, the wind picked up, blowing the ball right in the hole for a 420 yard hole-in-one.

The angels looked at each other in great surprise. One said, "Why did He do that??" The other realized the wisdom behind it and smiled...

"Who's he going to tell?"

 

Our Fair Share

One day after Jummah, three men who worked inside the Masjid were counting collections taken after Jummah for the week. Their Imam had gone away to Hajj so they didn’t know exactly how to divide the money. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God and themselves.

The first man who was very pious was first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the Masjid, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for the cause of Allah (SWA) and whatever falls on the left side is for us".

The second man cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the Masjid, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for the cause of Allah and whatever falls outside the circle is for us".

The third man, who was very miserly, then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever the angels catch is for the cause of Allah and whatever falls to the ground is ours".

Relating Hadith... or not!

Someone said to Ashab, "If you were to relate ahadith (traditions) and stop telling jokes, you would be doing a noble thing." "By God!" answered Ashab, "I have heard traditions and related them." "Then tell us", said the man. "I heard from Nafai," said Ashab, "on the authority of such-and-such, that the Prophet, may God bless him, said, "There are two qualities, such that whoever has them is among God's elect." "That is a fine tradition", said the man. "What are these two qualities?" "Nafai forgot one and I forgot the other," replied Ashab.

 

First Muslim President

Did you hear the one about the first Muslim desi president?

At the inauguration somebody told his mother, "You must be very proud of your son," and she answered, "The president? He's alright. But his brother's a doctor!"

 

Waking up for Prayer

There was a devout brother who did his prayers five times a day. Now, the first prayer was rather early in the morning, but he was always awake in time because the prayers were important to him. One morning, however, he was about to sleep though his prayers, when there was suddenly a noise in the closet.

Realizing he was late, he quickly got up and said his prayers. After he was done, he went to look in his closet, and there was Iblis (the Devil).

The man said "Iblis, were you the one that woke me up?"

Iblis said "Yes".

The man replied "Well, why didn't you let me sleep through my prayers?"

And Iblis replied "Well, I thought about it, but then I realized how bad you'd feel, and how you'd try and make it up to God, and how God loves those who turn to him in repentance - so I decided I'd better wake you up."

 

Divine Advice

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to an Imam and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the Imam said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and a copy of the Qur’an in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Qur’an to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Qur’an in your lap. Open the Qur’an; the wind will move the pages, but finally the Qur’an will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer and that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the Imam and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the Masjid as a donation in thanks for his advice. The Imam recognized the man, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Qur’an in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages move until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."

 

A Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

 

Which Sheikh do you follow?

A man was walking across a bridge one day, and he saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off and commit suicide. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. The man said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Muslim, Christian or Jewish?" "Muslim." "Me too! Sunni or Shiite?" "Sunni." "Me too! Hanafi, Hanbali, Shafi or Maliki?" "Hanafi." "Wow! Me too! Do you follow Sheikh Fulaan al Fullani or Sheikh Kaza Kazah?" "Sheikh Fulaan al Fullani." To which he said, "What?!! Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

 

Money to the Masjid

Two old worn-out bills arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. One was a tattered $1 dollar bill and the other was a worn $20 bill. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Masjid on Main Street, the Masjid on 4th Street, the Masjid downtown…" The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a Masjid?"

 

Ship-wrecked

One day in the South Pacific, a navy ship saw smoke coming an uncharted island. When they came close they saw 3 makeshift huts. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been ALONE on this island for more than five years!" The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to the Masjid in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "I had a fight with the board, so I stopped going there."

 

Few Muslims in Hell

Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"

 

Camel Joke

A man was loading far too many boxes on his camel, finally he had one small box left and he asked the camel, "May I put this box on your back?” To which the camel responded, "Sure, I”m not going anywhere."

 

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.
"What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.
"Oh, your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news," the Pope says.
"Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.
"Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"
"Your Grace, he's calling form Makkah!"

 

IMAM JOKE

Three imams were walking down a street talking, when a very beautiful young woman walked past. They all turned their gaze to the floor as she walked past.
The first imam slowly shook his head and said: "mashallah, mashallah.."
The second one also shook his head and said: "subhanallah, subhanallah.."
The third imam looked towards the sky and said: "INSHALLAH, INSHALLAH!!"